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hearth hour

Mar 29, 2009 2 comments

Your lights are off from 8.30pm to 9.30pm. An hour in darkness, oh my.

From 6.30 to 8.30 you’re busy digging your nose in front of your computer, no doubt equipped with the latest in power-consuming technology, with the air-conditioning on full blast while your younger brother/nephews/relatvies are busy playing some shitty game on your/their XBox 360/Playstation 3/Nintendo Wii and your dad’s busy eBaying while (attempting to) watch TV and every light in your house is turned on as if you were all chasing away the dark and the monsters that hide inside it.

But ok, it’s 8.30 now! You turn off your computer, turn off the TV, suffer without air-conditioning (travesty!), tell your younger brother/nephews/relatives to stop playing that shitty Naruto videogame and to come down and huddle together in the dark, talking and singing songs. For an hour your lights are off and you let people steal your shitty shoes. You don’t mind that, but it still irks you that people are taking advantage of a REALLY IMPORTANT thing to, you know, steal. Dicks. You’re a dick too, but you wouldn’t do that, right? I mean, God doesn’t like people who steal. What’s that stupid shit about chopping off the hands of thieves? Ooooohh, yeah, that.

The clock strikes 9.30, yeah, you’ve done your part to save the world, to save the future. Lights come back on, the air-conditioning comes back on, the TV comes back on, your dad parks his ass in front of the computer again to continue his eBaying. After 9.30 you’re busy masturbating to lesbian pornography in front of your computer, no doubt equipped with the latest in power-consuming technology, with the air-conditioning on full blast (and if it’s too cold, you put on a jacket instead) while your younger brother/nephews/relatvies are still busy playing some shitty game on your/their XBox 360/Playstation 3/Nintendo Wii (but then they need to go to sleep— oh wait, it’s a Saturday) and your dad’s still busy eBaying while (attempting to) watch TV and every light in your house is turned on as if you were all still trying to chase away the darkness and the monsters that you still think hide within its embraces.

Catholic indulgences? Carbon offsetting? Earth Hour? Makes perfect sense, Sherlock!

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things i don’t have

Dec 6, 2008 Leave a comment

I don’t really have any sort of life to live.

I don’t have a girlfriend—or boyfriend—to love.

I don’t have a god I feel like pleasing.

I don’t have any bandmates to play with, because they’re all busy doing… other things. Like enjoying the holidays, or working their asses off, or texting people and asking for porn.

And, after my somewhat extravagant spending, neither do I have any money with which to buy things.

(That Darkthrone “Preparing for War” 2xCD + DVD set at the Ricecooker shall, sadly, have to wait. Hope no-one gets to it before I do. Yes, yes, I am one of those fags that goes “oh shit Darkthrone” and nearly creams his pants about, well… very nearly anything by Darkthrone. Fag.)

(Honestly though, it’s the DVD. I want that DVD.)

But I do have a computer. And a broadband Internet connection (or what passes for one in this godforsaken country). And a brother who is some sort of Top Gear freak.

And a decent amount of porn.

And, thus, I indulge in the two great bastions of manlihood and loserhood: Sitting in front of my computer, half naked, watching pornography, with one of my arms engaging in some sort of exercise; and—only slightly less pathetic, mind you—sitting half naked in front of my computer, with a bag of consumables (a.k.a. horribly unhealthy and completely addictive very-nearly-junk food), watching Top Gear.

Of course I sneak in the odd movie or two, and a bit of reading, and maybe a bit of gaming, but, mostly, that’s that.

What a life, eh?

dearch and sestroy

Dec 5, 2008 Leave a comment

I always have a bit of fun looking at the searches that lead to this blog. While I haven’t been keeping track, there have been some very odd and/or funny search terms that’ve led to this blog in the past. But since I can’t remember them, I’m not going to talk about them at all. There’s no point; I’d most probably end up making stuff up in an effort to add content as well as increase the funny. So I won’t.

What I will do, however, is let you readers in on some of the search terms (on Google, I think) that have led to this blog recently, according to WordPress (which is really some sort of heaven for stat-obsessed wierdos, compared to Blogspot):

  • “harakiri”
  • “fuck lomo”
  • “filem for dracula”
  • “aku sebuah telefon bimbit”
  • “shitsurakuen jobafuku onna harakiri download”

I don’t understand how many pages one would have to skim through in order to stumble upon my blog with the search term “harakiri,” as I’ve only used the word in one entry (well, ok, two, if you include this one). Must be quite a lot.

“Fuck lomo,” is, of course, totally understandable. This entry of mine is on the first page of results for this particular search, and if you look at the post title and it’s contents I’m sure you’ll be able to understand why.

Anyway…

At first, I couldn’t figure out how “filem for dracula” could lead to my blog, and I looked through a handful of pages of results and didn’t find my blog anywhere, but then I went back to the first page and clicked the “English results only” link and, voila, this popped up. There’s the word “filem,” and there’s the word “Dracula,” and that’s that. Even though it’s got nothing to do with the actual search term.

“Aku sebuah telefon bimbit” is interesting, although perhaps only because of the many autobiographical stories that pop up about, yes, aku being a telefon bimbit. I honestly never liked such autobiographical stories/essays, and they always remind me of the horror of Bahasa classes back in primary and early secondary school. If one searches for English results only, then my blog is on the first page of results (the main page, not a specific entry), but if you let Google search for pages in Bahasa (and whatever other language) as well, then this post is on the first page of results. The four words in the search term appear quite often in that particular entry, so it’s understandable.

And the last one, “shitsurakuen jobafuku onna harakiri download” is, well, the most interesting one. It’s probably one of the mainstays in terms of search results that lead to this blog, since I can’t think of a time when some variation of it wasn’t one of the search terms. One of my earliest entries on WordPress was this one, and I guess the fact that there seems to be only one page of results has resulted in this post being quite popular. It is, too: most probably the most popular one on this blog. The problem is, though, that my post doesn’t contain a download link, which, I am sure, has left many people dissapointed.

BUT, fret not, fellow sleaze-lovers, for I will provide a link to a blog post where you can, yes, get the movie. I didn’t check if the links are still up, but you could ask for a re-upload, I guess. Clicky clicky!

You can tell I’m woefully bored, can’t you?

epic, abject failure

Nov 28, 2008 Leave a comment

Is when a guy likes Twilight.

There’s no excuse for it, honestly. You can’t say that you like the hot, teenage vampire-that-isn’t-well-researched-and-isn’t-really-a-vampire (which reminds me of Simon Pegg’s appearance on Top Gear, particularly the bit about C3PO being an “emasculated homosexual,” except that in the case of Twilight it’s more an emasculated… sex symbol?), which basically is the only redeeming factor of the book/movie (for them girls, at least… pfft, women).

And somehow I get the feeling that even homosexuals don’t descend to the level of watching a shitty movie and/or reading a shitty book just for hotness value. There are probably sad instances of straight blokes watching shitty movies just because some hot actress they like is in it.

I don’t get that, honestly. I don’t. It’s sad and pathetic and honestly pitiful. Why watch a crap movie, even if it stars your favourite actress/object of your teenage hormonal desires, when you can watch a good one that’s, horror of horrors, actually worth your time?

Watch pornography if you want to get off, please. Sure, you might not find any pornography featuring, say… Halle Berry but I’m sure you’ll be able to find some adequate replacements. And if you can’t, then: A) that’s just sad, and B) that does not bode well for your future endeavours.

And girls, please, please restore some of my faith in, well, you guys. Because, with the exception of a few notable individuals (who shall remain nameless), all of you have crap taste and it’s depressing me very, very much. =[

YOU SEE THAT

I PULLED A :SADFACE:

THAT IS HOW SAD I AM

=[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

flogging a dead horse, perhaps

Nov 27, 2008 Leave a comment

The LOMO LC-A = what, RM900?

The Olympus XA = RM300-ish. No more than RM400, usually, for a perfectly working example.

The XA has a 35mm f/2.8, very good quality lens. Quality build: plastic, but solid. It works well and will continue to work unless you take a hammer to it.

The LC-A? Pfft.

Sure, you can say the LC-A is fun and it’s not about high-quality optics, but tell me, from the following two situations, which seems far more fun?

Paying nearly RM1k for a camera that’s about as special as a hot day, more overpriced than every original Napalm Death CD you’ll ever find here in malaysia, built about as well as a Lada, is used by more cocks than BMWs are driven by and is basically just a cheap, mass-produced russian knockoff that is now being sold at obscene prices by an assjerk society—that every teenager seems to like—which seems to promote the tenet of “good photography second, cross-processing and light leaks and bad optics first!”

OR

Paying around RM300 for a camera that’s built well, has a quality lens and, you know, will actually WORK?

Sure, you could say that you want the 2 minute shutter speed, or even the double exposure button, but honestly, 2 minute exposures aren’t “Lomo,” are they? That seems to defeat the entire purpose of the rules that they have, doesn’t it?

I could rip out the light seals from my XA, slap in some slide film, take a few bad shots and get the film cross processed and I’d get very Lomo-esque photos. But since it’s not taken with a camera that the LOMO Society endorses, I’ll never get in any of their magazines! Even if my photos are better! Of course, I would never want to get a photo in any of their magazines anyway.

And for those of you trying to come up with an argument for “lomography” via the lo-fi aesthetic: sure, “lomography” places more emphasis on the lo-fi, but you do not pay hi-fi prices for lo-fi equipment. And even Lou Barlow or Owen Ashworth, lo-fi as they are/were, still wrote/write bloody good songs. Underneath all the lo-fi grit, all the tape hiss and occasional distortion, you can hear that their music is, undeniably, quite good. Sadly, I can’t say the same for a lot of the “lomography” I see: underneath all the light leaks and cross processing there’s a photo that would be consigned to the “crap” bin by any other standards aside from those of the LOMO Society.

the most pathetic argument

Nov 26, 2008 Leave a comment

Is when you use a lack of knowledge of something as proof of the existence of something else that created that particular something.

Which is really just a roundabout way of saying that the most pathetic argument is when people try to prove that god exists (which they will never succeed at, regardless of whether ‘ol beardy exists or not) with the simple, tried-and-tested-and-never-going-to-convince-anyone argument of “how else? How else could this all have happened? How else could this all have come to pass?”

Honestly, that’s like saying Criss Angel must be some sort of occult practicioner because, yeah, how else can he do what he does?

Honestly it pains me to see people use that same argument over and over without knowing how pathetic it makes them look. I feel sorry for them, almost, since if that’s all they ever come up with then they will never, ever win an argument, or any sort of reasonable debate.

Of course, one could argue that any sort of discussion about religion will never be reasonable because everyone’s so preoccupied with whatever it is that they believe in and will never open themselves up to anyone else’s viewpoints. Which would be, of course, totally and utterly accurate. Honestly there’s often no point: the few people who will pay attention (or, at least, attempt to) to both sides’ arguments and who actually have some sort of level head on their shoulders are invariably drowned out by your hardcore religious folks and your hardcore atheists and your hardcore pornstars.

Hands up how many of you turn to god and religion just because you don’t want to face the prospect of death? Just so that there’s a higher plane, a better place to go to, once you die? Just so that you don’t have to consider the possibility of things just ending, right there and then, once the plug is pulled?

Thought so. You know what you people are, right? I don’t have to say it, do I?

And you do know how Criss Angel does what he does, right?

Camera tricks, folks. Camera tricks.

troubling times

Nov 24, 2008 Leave a comment

Why do we have to respect stupidity? Why do we, as intelligent beings blessed/cursed with the ability to think, have to treat everyone and their opinions, no matter how stupid or inaccurate, like we treat children in special needs schools? Why are we expected to respect someone’s opinions even if we totally disagree with them? Why are we expected to respect idiots and the shit they spew? Why?

Is this “decency” and “tolerance” in action? Is this what the human race is heading towards? A world where everyone’s opinions have to be respected and no, you can’t say a word against anyone because that would be bad and, as everyone’s mother once told them, if you haven’t got anything good to say about a person then don’t say a word!

You know what? That piece of advice, to not say anything if you’ve got nothing good to say about a person, is probably one of the worst and downright stupidest things ever. Why not? Why not say what you think? Why not let someone know that they’re a vacous waste of oxygen and that the only piece of good they’ll ever be able to do is to die a quick death by jumping into a raging fire? Would that not be honesty in practice?

Maybe it’s this goddamn “political correctness” thing. Maybe it’s that. Maybe they’re trying to make sure that no-one will be offended by anything anymore. Maybe they’ll come up with some sort of Newspeak, except that instead of being unable to say anything against Big Brother, this Newspeak will be structured so that we won’t have anything bad to say about anyone. “A+ for effort,” “it’s not very good but it’s ok, we like the effort,” and shit like that. Honestly, if something’s bad, say it is. If someone’s wrong, tell them that they’re wrong. Be supportive if you want, but don’t decieve.

I have very little tolerance for stupidity, and I say this with full knowledge that judging stupidity by one’s own standards is, at best, not a very accurate measure. It perhaps smacks of self-centredness and some sort of elitism. And you know what? I won’t deny such charges. I may just actually revel in them, being the occasional motherfucker that I am.

I also won’t hold my tongue the next time someone comes out in defence of the fatwa council and spouts shit about how I (or anyone) “should respect people’s religion, surely there’s a reason why they did what they did.”

There probably are a few, and I can think of one:

Stupidity.

(Do note that, however, if you have a valid reason for holding an opinion [as long as it doesn’t involve religion, which more often that not invalidates your opinion in my eyes] then I will most probably respect it. A bit. It still might not stop me from being significantly nasty and violent towards you/your opinion, but, rest assured, I will have some sort of respect for it [and—by extension, most probably—you]. And no, don’t get me wrong, I do not condone mindless hatred [read: homophopbia, xenophobia, racism/fascism, misogyny etc], and, while it might sound like I’m saying that there’s no need to respect anything, I’m not. I’m simply asking the question of why we need to respect stupidity, stupid people and stupid opinions. Being black is not stupidity, being gay is not stupidity, being female is not stupidity. Being a racist, a fascist or a homophobe, however, is.)