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a shaman a sham

I’m clueless. Totally. I haven’t got a clue about what I’m doing, I haven’t got a clue about what I’m going to be doing, I haven’t got a clue about what I should be doing, I haven’t got a clue about what I’m going to do with myself and my “talents,” I haven’t got a clue about how to live this thing they call “life.”

Seriously, man, sometimes I just don’t know.

No, I’m not much for planning, but most of the time I at least have some sort of clue. These days? Nothing, nothing at all. And I know that having too many expectations/plans/ideals/hopes about what I’m going to eventually be doing after I finish this degree (which, for the record, feels more and more pointless with every passing day) is bad, but, I dunno, sometimes (like during these days of utter cluelessness) I feel that at least something would be preferable to the huge blurry mess that it is now. Well, ok, I do know that I don’t want to waste the best years of my life slaving away at a pointless job hoping to be able to finally go travelling once I’m 60 and impotent, but aside from that?

No idea, man.

Story of my life: I’ve nearly always known what I don’t want to do but I’ve never been able to figure out what I do want to do. Or what to do with myself. Or what to make of myself.

Oh hey, Shikari:

Prospects of a new life, planning, cash in, cash out
Weigh every step I take
Live up to every expectation that rests on my shoulder
And now I talk to the mouth of some lost soul that never matched up to his own
And I wonder how many careers are based on true motivation.

Are mine true enough to make it through time
I’ll serve mine and already apologize for failing
I dare you to say you live the life you dreamed of
Consequences first, step out of line, severe damage for sure, think it over first.

Man I can’t recall a moment from the past two weeks that wasn’t filled with some sort of emo.

And I thought I was really sleepy. It’s 2.30 am. Really sleepy my fucking ass. The less sleep I get the less I sleep.

And somewhere, deep inside of me, I still hate myself.

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