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me, a ceiling fan

You know there’s something wrong when one of the thoughts you dread most is the fact that you have to wake up the next day and see your friends and talk to people and actually live. I’m tired of waking up, of trying to get to sleep, of seeing people I know, of knowing people I see, of class, of writing. And I’m sick of myself. Sick of how pathetic I am, sick of my complete and utter inability to allow my indiscretions and stupid mistakes slide into that faceless mass of black we all call “the past,” sick of all the things that I invariably think about.

I’m supposed to be young and healthy, but I am obviously not. I’m tired, perpetually so. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Every-fucking-thing, man. I want to at least let my mind wander, let it escape this turgid boxed mess, but I can’t even do that. I can’t seem to watch any movies, can’t seem to read any books, can’t seem to get into any videogames: it’s all pretty fucked.

I generally do like my friends quite a bit, I do, but times like these I can’t help but feel like I’d rather be alone in public, surrounded by people I don’t give a flying fuck about and who don’t give a flying fuck about me, rather than be with my friends. I’d rather waste away alone rather than engage in conversation with my friends.

I want to get away from everything. This valley, this house, these star-less night skies, these people.

I know what I’m doing, but I don’t know who’s doing it. Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll just have to settle with not knowing who the fuck I really am or what the fuck I really want.

Perhaps enduring the suffering of an overnight bus trip—alone, of course—will be worth it.

Categories: thoughts
  1. ikmy'z
    Jan 19, 2009 at 21:03

    I know what you mean…sometimes I feel the need to not care about wats going on in my life too and just focus on being silent but noone ever gets that you want your own space for a while….but trust me,having friends is good–makes your life less dull!!aint it? =))

  2. Jan 19, 2009 at 21:35

    that depends on what one considers dull.

    i have friends who consider my love of going out, riding the lrt to someplace, walking around a bit—doing nothing, buying nothing, looking for nothing—before sitting down and having a drink to be incredibly dull, but i find it… quite enjoyable.

    probably more than hanging out with some people i know.

    and it’s not that people don’t get my desire to be alone or anything. most of the time they do. it’s just that i invariably find myself drawn to spending time with people i’d rather not spend time with. fascinating, entertaining people, but, all the same, they’re people i’d sometimes rather not spend time with or see at all.

    the desire to disappear is strong within me.

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