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pop of the tops

There’s this odd sense of goodness that’s been rolling about in my soul today. Admittedly, if I think about it and suddenly become all serious then it all dissipates and my demons and insecurities slowly start coming to the forefront, but most of the time I’ve actually been feeling quite good today. What an alien concept, I think you’d agree. I’m not entirely sure why I’m feeling this way, nor am I sure where it’s from, but it’s quite refreshing to not actually hate myself today and not have that ever-popular phrase of “I wish I was dead” floating about in my head.

Now, of course, I know that I’m not actually ok and that any little thing could send me spiralling down back into that black abyss (there’s almost a sense of inevitability about that, wouldn’t you agree?), but for now I’m alright.

And I actually feel somewhat positive about my writing, in that I feel like I’m comfortable with this current direction I’m planning to explore, that of slightly odder stories and more economical, straight-to-the-point prose. Of course, I don’t actually feel good about it, I have many misgivings and much self-doubt for sure, and there’s much I can improve on (without actually knowing how to), but for now I guess it’s not all that bad. I have this pattern of being inecessantly negative and critical of myself, and while I’m not deluded enough to think I’ll be able to change just like that (*tries to snap fingers and fails*), I am going to try and change. “Going to” because I sure as hell am not doing anything about it now. And, to be frank, I don’t see me being able to figure myself (and life) out enough to do that anytime soon.

There’s a lot I don’t understand, really. But that comes with the territory, I guess, of being 18 and angsty and somewhat of a pessimist who quite definitely feels a strong sense of self-hate most days (and nights). Optimism, for one. The ability to always see the good bits. To feel that the world’s a great place. It bothers me because I can’t at all begin to understand how that feels, and, more importantly, how to feel that way.

But, you see, every time I try to express my thoughts here on this blog I always end up feeling negative. About my writing, about how well I’m actually saying what I want to say (if I’m actually saying anything at all . . . most of the time I’m not). I’ll admit that there are some bloggers who make me feel . . . jealous, almost, just because they seem to write these kinds of entries so much better than I do.

And I’m not even that good at prose, myself, even if it’s, I guess, one of the few things I have going for me.

You see, ladies and gentlemen, a lack of self-belief coupled with a tendency to be overly harsh on oneself is a recipe for some very, very bad moments. Story of my life.

Categories: thoughts
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