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from here to eternity

I’m being annoyed by all manner of physical ailments. Most of my fingers hurt (although not as much now, thankfully), I have a couple of blisters in my mouth, one of my wisdom teeth is apparently not wanting to come out and thus occasionally presents me with huge, huge pain, my rash is still annoying me, my throat is sore and my head hurts.

Haven’t been feeling too good inside, as well.

If there’s one thing I truly, truly hate in this world, it would be attraction. No shit. I’d rather be without it right now. It’s never done me anything but harm and I just don’t want to feel it again. Not now, and sure-as-fuck not about this particular girl. It’s distressing, this whole “attraction” business is. Couple that with the fact that I am nearly always completely unable to actually get my mind off things, and it all becomes utterly brilliant.

I am utterly brilliant. Pfffffht.

And you know what really sucks? She’s been popping up in my dreams. Now, if they were nice/sweet/enjoyable dreams then it’d be alright, but every time I’m suddenly awakened from them (which happens around nine times out of ten) I instantly, and oddly, feel crappy. Like my heart’s dropped to my feet. And it makes me feel pathetic.

dirty window

It’s slightly distressing, also, to know that I seem to be able to brighten up other people’s days with my words but not my own. I’ll be honest, there’s always this certain feeling of fakeness that crawls over me when I write or say those kinds of words. Like I’m saying things I don’t really believe in. Which would be true, to a certain extent. I do have hope and I do believe in Good Things, but most of the time I’m your average pessimistic depressed pathetic teenager who really needs a kick up the behind.

You’ll never catch me saying those kinds of things to myself, that’s for sure. For example, this:

…give it time and i guess things will perk up a bit, the sun will shine that little bit brighter and somehow things will feel right.

even if for a little while.

But, yeah, as long as it perks up someone’s day I guess it doesn’t really matter… or does it? Hm, I’m like a white mage who can only cast curative spells on other people, without anyone to cast them on me. And so I hurt.

(Ok, maybe slightly over-dramatic and not exactly accurate, but I thought it made good copy, okay)

Three exams down, two to go. Quite confident I did well on two of those three, but I’m not entirely sure if I did well enough. I’ve got one paper tomorrow, and then my final paper is on the next Friday, 2nd of May. Which is great, since I can go to the Art for Grabs thingy at CM Annexe without any sort of guilt or worry about upcoming exams. I’m probably going to be attending that lecture by Farish Noor (“The Lost Tribes of Malaysia” or something like that), which seems, and should be, very very interesting. Managed to get a friend to come along too, so it’s all good.

Looking forward to perhaps buying more books, movies, CDs and maybe even some fashion accessories (another cap? haha) and/or photos. And just walk around looking at stuff, relaxing. The Annexe is probably my favourite place in KL, you know. There’s just something I like about it, but I’m not entirely sure what.

You know what’d be nice? If I could actually get to know some people there and get some new acquaintances and stuff who actually, you know, share some interests with me? Yeah, that’d be very nice.

  1. Ilyayaya
    Apr 24, 2008 at 22:20

    Haha I’ve been to Annexe once (only once, pathetic I know, haha), with my brother when he was back for his break last year. Pretty cool place. :D

    Attraction, in my opinion, is inevitable. Heheh. I miss the feeling of having crushes, actually. Crushes, they lead to infatuations. Oh such fun. Haha

  2. azzief
    Apr 24, 2008 at 22:33

    Maybe someday I’ll miss feeling like this, true, but right now, fuck it, I’d rather be without.

    I do miss, however, that sort of crush where you’re too scared to talk to the person. See: Weezer’s “El Scorcho”.

    Me, I fall for people I’m close with.

    Which sucks.

  3. Ilyayaya
    Apr 25, 2008 at 00:28

    Guess what.

    I fall for the ones that I know best too. Yeah, it does suck.

  4. azzief
    Apr 25, 2008 at 01:10

    I’m not alone in this habit, then. Haha.

    I really do hate this. =/

  5. Ilyayaya
    Apr 25, 2008 at 01:31

    Hate this, that’s your prerogative. But don’t hate yourself la. You portray such insecurities. =/

  6. azzief
    Apr 25, 2008 at 01:57

    I “portray such insecurities”? What does that mean, exactly?

    I really do hate myself though. People value me far more than I value myself. My mirrors are warped while the windows are clear. Yada yada yada.

    Best thing is I can’t be bothered to, you know, try and change myself so that I don’t hate myself.

    I’m perfectly content (due to being a lazy fuck) to feel this way.

    Ok, no. I’m not, actually.

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