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maybe you’ve been brainwashed too

Waking up feeling like shit, feeling tired as all hell and then, through the course of the day, wishing you could go back to sleep and never wake up again is incredibly, incredibly fun. Fun with a capital “F”. Note the sarcasm.

I really miss being able to just lie down on my bed, relax, look up at the ceiling and smile to myself, all while feeling contented and relaxed. I haven’t been able to do so in a long time. I haven’t truly been able to relax in a while, and I don’t know why. My mind keeps thinking of less-than-desirable events, of the confusing bits, of the bits that give rise to such mixed emotions within me. And just when I think I’m over it, my mind does it again. Over and over. It’s getting tiring.

I have this near-constant empty, sick, sinking feeling in my stomach, and it’s also very fun. Maddeningly fun. When I told a friend this, he asked me “so, you’re lonely, eh?” and I . . . well, I said no. But, I don’t know, maybe somewhere deep inside. Maybe I am. Just maybe.

And then there’s that whole attraction thing which I have to deal with again. Yes. Again. Maybe He finds it funny, and maybe He’s laughing at me from above, but really, God, it’s not fun always falling for the wrong person every fucking time, and always when I least need it.

So, yeah, please? Not her? Not now?

It’s fun how I can’t point out exactly why I’ve been feeling so horrible recently. It’s like all the things that have been bothering me have just decided to congeal into one huge stinking mess which constantly rains down on me like all the rain that’s currently falling down upon the Valley.

It’s also quite sobering (and, in a way, nice) to know that people are actually worried about me. And, on a related note, I listened to Hope of the States’ song “Don’t Go to Pieces” today, and, yes, I did tear up a bit. There’s something so . . . heart-wrenching, for lack of a better term, about lines like “The people you leave behind / Will worry all the time / Why don’t you realise / And why won’t you try?”, especially when in my current situation.

Why won’t I try? I don’t know. I don’t seem to have the strength to just drag myself out of this. But I guess I have to, for my own sake. I’m not optimistic about my chances of doing that, though. I don’t know how I’ll ever get myself out of this.

Which is really just fucking awesome.

On a lighter note, I decided to pick up and start reading Murakami’s “Norwegian Wood” again. Up to chapter six now. It’s quite an enjoyable book. Brilliantly written, and has its light-hearted, almost funny moments. I forsee myself enjoying it. Reading it reminded me of how much I actually like writing, and how much I kinda miss it. Maybe I’ll try and write something soon.

Categories: the printed page, thoughts
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