Home > thoughts > our scariest secrets and pleasures fuck us front to back

our scariest secrets and pleasures fuck us front to back

Right now, my life is, I guess, better than what I deserve. I’ve been such a cock lately that I’m not sure I deserve any of the good things in my life. I’ve been losing myself so much in negativity and anger and disillusionment that I’m surprised that the few good things in my life haven’t suddenly been taken away from me. Of course, it’s not like my guitar will suddenly decide to get up and walk away, but still…

And I should be happy. In part, perhaps I am. Contented, at the very least, yes.

But you know me, there just has to be something that’s driving me up the wall and down into depression and confusion and any number of negative, shitty emotions. My life right now isn’t any different. For all the good things in life, there’s always one thing (or a couple of things) that end up bothering me so much to the extent of only being able to focus on the negative/crappy bits.

Words are deadly weapons. What once was working perfectly is perhaps a bit broken-down now, a bit rusty and in need of maintenence. It’d probably be simple to fix, to get it up and running like how it used to. But for some odd reason, I’m not sure I want to. I’m not sure I want things to be “ok” again. To be like how they used to.

And you can tell what I’m going to say next, right? That I don’t know why I feel like that? And that I just do?

Weeeell…

No, I don’t know why I feel that way. It’s illogical, perhaps, judging by how much that same thing used to mean to me a few short weeks ago, but I do. Something’s holding me back, something I can’t really explain. I can’t imagine myself being that friendly again, I can’t imagine myself being that open again. I actually feel a strong discomfort in my chest when I even think about it.

Mayhaps in time things will change again, maybe for the “better”. But right now, I have to say that yes, dear, things have changed.

And, yes, maybe I have as well.

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