Home > thoughts > i am smiling to put you at ease, but inside i am counting the ways to make you bleed

i am smiling to put you at ease, but inside i am counting the ways to make you bleed

I’ve been doing two things a lot lately: playing guitar and being incredibly depressed. And they’re getting to me. I’m tired, I have this sick, sinking feeling in my stomach, I just want this shit to end and my fingers hurt a lot. Which makes me feel even worse, since it’s depriving me of the one thing that brings joy to me these days: guitar. I tried playing tonight and I just can’t. Each and every one of my fingers hurts.

And I’m not helping myself by typing this entry.

Today was pretty much the first time I actually talked with a friend, face to face (kinda), about some of the shit in my head, the things that have been bothering me and keeping me down these past few weeks. Problems, failings, issues. It did feel good. It did help, in a sense, to actually speak out those things, to use my own voice, and to have someone listen. And to have said person, in a sense, comfort me as well, I guess. I love her (in a strictly non-romantic sense) for that. Ha.

But in the end, right now, I can say that it made me feel worse, talking about that shit. I’m distraught and lost and confused and tired as hell. Some of the things she said when I was talking to her seemed like they’d at least help me drag myself out of this shit, but in the end it’s all just made me feel more confused, I guess. I don’t know. Hell, I really can’t remember much of what we talked about, in fact.

Fuck it. I just don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know why I can’t just chill the fuck out. I don’t know why. I don’t.

This’ll be the death of me.

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