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never made it where i wanted to go

up above

It sometimes boggles the mind, really, thinking of how quickly and severely things can change from one week to the next, and even from one day to the next.

(I’m sure some of you readers know what I’m talking about.)

I still remember a lot of things, particularly the ones I did. The things I said. The things I thought. The things I hoped for. Over-dramatic as it may sound, it does hurt, knowing that it’s all changed and that I have to leave those things firmly in the past, in my memories, to be looked upon with a wry smile and mixed emotions. Where I would once smile at myself thinking of those same memories (sometimes while creating new ones to be looked upon in the future), now all I feel is, in a sense, a gaping emptiness consisting of me not knowing how to feel.

And longing. Oh dear God, longing.

But I know deep down inside that if I were to take steps to overcome said longing (by, uh, shooting a text message or calling her up) I’d end up feeling worse off. I’m still not over the whole infatuation/attraction thing, nor am I over the whole rejection thing as well. Say what you will, laugh if you like, but it’s the (sad) truth.

Things between us aren’t the same, no. They may never be. A part of me wants desperately to just put it all behind me, act like I’m ok and make things . . . good again, but I know if I did that then I’d just be lying to myself and hurting myself even more. And then there’s the part of me that wants to just say “fuck this shit” and ignore it all. Ignore her. But I can’t. Not her, of all people.

I haven’t written any poetry or prose in a long time. Maybe I should try to write something soon, if only to exercise my creative muscles which have probably been atrophying from lack of use lately.

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