Home > thoughts > every time i think of you my already-drowning heart sinks a little bit more

every time i think of you my already-drowning heart sinks a little bit more

I haven’t been a happy bloke recently. Bloody depressed, actually, for most of yesterday and the night before that. I’ve still been struggling with my feelings, trying to make sense of them, trying to just understand myself and why I feel the way I do most of the time. Didn’t get anywhere, at all, really.

I know I’ve got to stop mulling over this whole rejection thing and to just pick myself up and move on. I thought I was ok, really, with it, but it turns out that what I had been doing was ignoring things, and not getting over them. And something on Sunday evening just sparked the a whole episode of me obsessing over it, turning things inside out. What I said, what she said, what I did, what she did. Which was, really, just what I bloody fucking needed.

And it all sent me spiralling down into another seemingly bottomless pit of confusion, teenage angst and self-loathing. I hate it when that happens, but I never ever make any effort to try and stop that from happening.

But what one of my friends said last night was true, really. I know I don’t want to feel this way. I know I won’t survive feeling like this all the time. I know I need to get myself out of this shit. But I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to start. I’m afraid, I guess, of being found out as a uselessly emo teen. I’m afraid that I’ll just come off as an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing (haha lol Shakespeare liek wut).

And I guess it’s that fear that’s holding me back from really opening up to the people that need to know this shit. People that will probably be able to help. I’m afraid they just won’t understand. And that’s one of my worst fears, I guess. People just not getting it. Not getting me.

I just don’t have the guts to actually do something.

Yeah, I told her that I’d try and talk to my dear mother or something about all of this shit but I’m sure she knows as well as I do that I didn’t really mean it. And right now I can tell myself that I will, but I know deep down inside that I won’t. Ever.

It’s fun being me.

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