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sur l’autre rive je t’attendrai

Despite reassurances to the contrary, I still feel like a fucking nuisance. An irritation. I feel like I’m one of those bloody irritating dogs that constantly yap at a person every time they pass by someone’s house. Which is really just a stupid way to be feeling, especially since I’m oftentimes told that, no, I am not a nuisance, I am not an irritation, and that people/my friends/friend/whatever! actually don’t mind having me around.

I’m an idiot, really. I should really just listen to them and stop listening to the voices in my head that seem to endlessly want to drag me down into emo-land.

But, really, when have I ever managed to do that? It’s odd that I seem to like being depressed and like feeling shitty. And I really never have the drive nor the self-belief to be able to drag myself out of it sometimes.

I don’t think I have any sort of self-belief and confidence in myself at all, come to think of it. I second-guess everything I say and more. It’s just… fuck. It’s crap, that’s what it is.

I can never make myself happy, but I always bring myself down.

Fuck me.

I know, I sound like a useless, emo teenager. Which, bloody hell, I am.

It’s not that I don’t believe and trust what my friends say. I do. I really do. But a part of me just… can’t. Maybe even won’t. I desperately want to believe, yes, to be able to get rid of all these endless doubts. To accept what they say as the utter fact.

But I might just be applying myself to others. I’ve said things like that in the past without actually meaning them (and, in fact, I’ve said a lot of things without ever meaning them,) and I guess I’m afraid that they’re doing the same thing.

Which, really, shows you how much I actually trust my friends.

Sorry guys. I’m an idiot.

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Categories: thoughts
  1. Zara Suhaimee
    Mar 13, 2008 at 14:59

    insults? wooo woo

  2. azzief
    Mar 13, 2008 at 15:23

    yeah.

    i hate being emo =/

  3. Zara Suhaimee
    Mar 13, 2008 at 15:34

    tapayah lah emo2.
    look at me(mcm nmpk) Im no longer emo. because you guys(my friends, includes you)help me to cheer up.

    and and esok ada colbie caillat kat the curve! gahh cant wait HAHA :)

  4. azzief
    Mar 13, 2008 at 18:50

    haha =]

    yeah, you’re right, i guess.

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