Home > thoughts > goddamn goddamn i’m a brand new man

goddamn goddamn i’m a brand new man

Well, I wish I was.

But right now I’m still a mess. I’ll be the first to admit that. I’ve done some very stupid things; today, yesterday, and over the many years that have passed since I was born. I am confused, I am lost. Like a ship without a rudder, a platoon without a leader, or any other suitably similar metaphors. It’s not very fun, in fact it’s downright torturous, living without knowing who you are, what you want. Stumbling on through life without actually having a grip on it.

Whining all the time. Whining and whinging, but without the guts to do anything.

I always turn to others because, well, I know so little it hurts. About life, about everything. And, through many mountains of texts sent between me and a friend, I’ve began to realize that, really, in the end, I’m the only person that can help myself. Others can talk, provide encouragement, but in the end I’m the one that has to take action, to get a grip on my life. To “take charge,” as she put it.

A frightening prospect, isn’t it?

I’ll give myself time. Try and sort myself out. “How” is the ever-present question. And I don’t know how. All I know is that it’s something that I’ve got to do. Somehow.

God. I’m scared. And confused.

I wish I was a kid again.

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