Home > thoughts > beating a dead fucking horse.

beating a dead fucking horse.

I can’t do much about these feelings: talking about them or writing things down will help for a while, but they’ll return in full force without fail. Far too soon, and far too intensely. I say this too often, but really, this shit isn’t fun at all.

I have no idea why that, when it comes to females and attraction, I always go the “=[” route instead of the whole “intoxcated with infatuation” one like a vast majority of my friends who bothered to share their thoughts with me went down. Of course, this is crass generalization based on a very small sample of people who are, come to think of it, a bit less “normal” than most people. So I don’t know. Maybe they’re the exceptions, and not me. I won’t rule that possibility out.

These are difficult emotions to write about, but I will try nonetheless. I’m at my wit’s end as to how to at least quell these emotions, and, besides, I’ve got nothing else to do. Nothing else I want to do, either, perhaps.

I haven’t had the easiest of journeys when it comes to females and attraction. Of course, many people have probably had it worse, but I’m not writing about them. They’re not me. This is about me.

But, like so many other things in my life, all the “difficulties” when it comes to my experiences have resulted from inside myself. I provide my own problems, which is perhaps more than a bit sad. But hey, story of my life.

I’ve never really had the balls to do much when it comes to these feelings aside from mope and whinge. What makes it worse is that the only time I have, things between me and her just died out faster than a candle in an air-tight bottle. No, perhaps not rejection per se, but something very akin to it. But, regardless of what it was exactly, it sure as hell didn’t do much for my ever-fragile self-esteem.

Shit, I’m just at a loss for words. I don’t know how to say these things that I desperately need to say. Somehow.

I always end up feeling more than slightly inferior and always end up going “how the fuck am I going to go about this?” (or something like it) when it comes to the prospect of, you know, trying to get something going between me and the female of the moment.

But right now, I’m not even sure that I want something to happen between me and her. It’s strange. I like her, yes… or I think I do, but I’m not entirely sure that I want to “get with” her. Or if it’s even possible, knowing my inability when it comes to things like this.

I just can’t imagine how the sight of us together would look like.

And maybe that’s the problem.

Shit.

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