Home > thoughts > you can wear your heart on your sleeve, but pull your sweater over.

you can wear your heart on your sleeve, but pull your sweater over.

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone is awesome. I’ve mentioned that countless times in this blog, but I just had to say it again. So there.

I decided to log into my flickr tonight, and the familiar photography-and-images bug has bitten me again… as proved by the photo in the previous entry. Diptychs and triptychs for the fucking win. I love ’em.

To pass my time (and, for some reason, avoid actually sleeping at night) I decided to poke around my old photos and look for something to edit and mess around with. Of course, the memories come flooding back, etcetc I think I’ve gone over this before. Those photos are more than just compositions of light and shapes (or whatever the “technical” term for photography is), at least to me. Again, I’ve mentioned this before.

What I just realized tonight though, is the fact that I still can’t stand to look at some of the photos. It’s not that I feel any sort of “pain”, oh no. It’s just that… the memories are still quite strong. The places, the people, the faces, the words, the feelings, that sort of stuff. However, I feel that the primary reason I can’t stand to really look at the photos is encapsulated perfectly in these lines from the CFTPA song Oh, Illinois!:

i guess the only thing that’s stopping me
is once that we got talking
i’m afraid of what we might start to say
& i don’t want to start missing you again

Of course, the song is about two people while my situation is about a person and a place/memories, but still, it bears a really striking resemblance to my situation. It’s also the primary reason why I’ve never tagged along with my parents and brother if they head back there — it’d be nice to see old friends and my old neighbourhood but I have a feeling that in the end it’d do more harm than good.

I still don’t like it here.

Also, I find it interesting that I feature in very few shots with other people. Yeah, I guess I’m more comfortable behind the camera, but it sucks to not have any really good group shots with me in them. Yeah, me and my friends hung out a lot and messed around with taking photos and stuff, I feature in those photos much less often than my friends.

I’ll think I’ll go and sing along to as much CFTPA as I can to try and forget this feeling that’s building up inside of me. Wish me luck.

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