Home > life and times, thoughts > advancing bravely.

advancing bravely.

Damn it, the soundtrack for Final Fantasy X still gets me into a retrospective mood. It’s not so much the game itself, but rather how certain elements/parts/moments within the story seemed to fit my life situation back then to a T. But, I’m not here to talk about FFX again, no sir.

Something I read today got me thinking about how much distance has grown between me and my old, close friends from school. Yes, there’s the small matter of being 400 (give or take another 50?) kilometres apart, but this isn’t about that.

I don’t feel like I can even really sit down and talk to them anymore. It’s not that they’ve really changed (God knows I don’t even contact them enough to find out if they have), but rather I just don’t feel like there’s any real link between us aside from shared memories of school and happy moments chilling and goofing off together.

Our situations are different. I’m fortunate/spoiled/lucky enough to be able to still live with my family while attending uni, something which most of my friends are not doing. It’s almost like I feel… “guilty” for my current situation. I’ve had things far too easy, something which would be totally untrue for most of my friends.

Upon further thinking, perhaps it’s those happy moments and the memories of those moments that make me so hesitant to talk to them (and decide to cancel plans to head down there and crash at a friend’s place for 3-4 days).

When I was younger I thought things would never really end. My parents would still live in the same house, I’d still know all of my friends, I’d still hang out with them and talk about everything under the sun. Of course, we all know that’s never the case, and while I slowly came to that realization, a small but not insignificant part of me still stubbornly clung to that hope and train of thought that I had as a child.

I got far too attached to everything there. Perhaps it was unavoidable, seeing as how I spent (at least) 11 years there. I grew up there (physically and emotionally/mentally) and it wasn’t the easiest thing to say goodbye just like that. No long, protracted, drawn-out goodbye kiss, no. One late night hanging out with friends, a really bad case of indigestion and then getting in the car at 6am for the 450-ish kilometre trip up here.

I don’t think I ever really talked about it in this blog, and if I did I guess I’ve deleted any posts it due to :majorangst:

We didn’t move here as a family. It was just me and my dad early on, letting my brother finish his school year first. Maybe this means I’m a “sissy”, but, God, I do not want to experience anything like that incredibly awkward moment when me and my dad were about to head off. 4 people struggling to smile and look happy when their eyes tell a totally different story.

Needless to say, I was really thankful for the early start. I cried in the car. My dad is a “man”, he didn’t.

God, I don’t even know what this post is about anymore.

I guess I just needed to get all that out somehow. Fuck, tears are salty.

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Categories: life and times, thoughts
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